


Oh shit, what happened to Tony?

by Serinah



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blink and you'll miss it, Comicbook science, Crack Treated Seriously, Genderswap, Hints at alcoholism, Identity Porn, Iron Man is Tony's bodyguard, JARVIS is still just a rather intelligent system, Marvel 616/MCU Crossover, Oh shit what happened to Tony!, Or trying to, Pining, Secret Identity, all those old enemies coz the author was lazy, but if it doesn't work for you just imagine RDJ, crude jokes coz the author is immature, doesn't know about wrecking crew, getting surprise sex change is awkward, holy shit what's happened to Tony, i don't care, or a sexy hobbit with an arc reactor, tall and blue-eyed Tony Stark, writes about wrecking crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-24 18:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serinah/pseuds/Serinah
Summary: “Wow,” Clint said. “Iron Man’s a chick!”“No he isn’t!” Tony snapped.OR: How Tony dislikes small blond chicks and Steve might just prefer them. OR: Tony is doomed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I rated it mature only because of a previously male character masturbating in his female body. If a teen is not repulsed by it, I'd say it's safe to read.
> 
> THANK YOU: Kerttu and Jill for science help (wow - I found out so much new stuff!) and Laith Quetzalli Caresi for help with plot.

“You’re all here. Good,” Tony said as he strode into the conference room.

“Iron Man.” Steve stood up quickly. “Is there a new threat?”

“Oh, man!” Clint groaned. “Did the dinosaurs come back? We just fought them, like an hour ago!”

“No, nothing like that.” Tony leaned his fists on the table and looked down on it.

Tony was still staring at a point on the table. For some reason he had a hard time facing the others even though he knew they couldn’t see his expression behind the faceplate. “I…” The image he saw in his mirror not five minutes ago flashed in front of his eyes and he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Iron Man? Are you all right?”

The Widow, Hawkeye and Bruce all leaned forward in their seats and looked at him, tense and expectant.

Tony crushed the resurfacing panic and looked Steve in the eye. Steve, with his creased eyebrows and veiled concern was just… overwhelming and at this particular point in time entirely too much and Tony knew in that instant that he just wouldn’t be able to say it.

Slowly, he raised his right hand to the catch at his neck and the left to the back of his helmet and lifted it off. From behind the long blond locks spilling out Tony saw the other Avengers freeze in shock.

“Wow,” Clint said. “Iron Man’s a chick!”

“No he isn’t!” Tony snapped.

“Yeah, could ‘av fooled me,” Barton quips. “Coz, you know, you’re totally hot for a trans dude, if you want to go with that. Ouch! Nat!” He turned to Natasha on his left. “Hey, I’m not judging! Ouch! Nat, I’m not hitting on her either! Him! Them?”

“Quit it, Barton,” Tony bit out through his clenched teeth. “I’m not a trans,” he said. Tony lifted his head. He wasn’t embarrassed. He wasn’t. At least they didn’t know that he was Tony Stark, the great womanizer. He collected himself. “I think it’s that magic beam thing we thought didn’t do anything to me. Which it obviously did, because I seem to be missing parts. By which I mean male parts and was very fond of them.” He swallowed. “Not that I’m not totally rocking the parts I have now, but… It’s not funny! Damn it, guys, concentrate I’m growing woman parts here!”

Clint goggled. “Are they getting bigger?”

“What? What do you mean, getting bigger- “

“You said you were ‘growing parts’-”

“Fuck you, Barton! Could we get back on track, please?” 

Because Steve wasn’t laughing. Far from it. And why wasn’t he? Steve seemed kind of frozen, staring at Tony in a way that he'd never done before and Tony suddenly wished- no. He squashed the idiotic thought.

“Are you actually saying that the magic beam that the little bugger was using to create the giant prehistoric creatures with turned you into a woman? That makes zero sense.” Natasha cocked her eyebrow.

“Yes. I know.” Tony chanced to look at Steve and his stupid shoulders tried to involuntarily shrug. Thankfully this armour didn’t work right on him any more. “Cap?”

“Gnh…” Steve said, cleared his throat and continued. “So, what you are saying is that you are not…” He vaguely gestured towards Tony, “actually a woman?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Tony suddenly felt like he should be defending himself which was ridiculous.

“And the beam did… this?” He again gestured at Tony with his hand as if unable to express the change, as if it was something shameful in being changed into a woman or being a female fighter and in a totally irrational wave of pique Tony felt judged. Which was idiotic, because Tony knew full well that Steve did not have any misgivings about women in general nor did he see Natasha as some strange anathema. What’s more, Tony felt irrational fear that it was he, Tony Stark that was somehow being judged here. Which was also idiotic, because Steve didn’t know that he was Tony Stark, a rich boy with a weak heart and a crush on his childhood hero. He looked away.

Steve cleared his throat again. “I think we need to call Mr Stark.”

“No!” For a tiny fragment of a second he panicked. “We can’t,” he said more calmly and mentally brushed aside all his imaginary issues, including the thought of how ridiculous his delicate little head looked on top of the massive armour. “Mr Stark is currently unavailable. He took a sabbatical… week. He’s off the grid for unforeseeable future and we’ll just have to wing it without the big boss.”

“Off the grid?” Bruce raised his eyebrows. “Tony Stark? We are talking about the same Tony Stark who has any number of tablets glued to his ass at any given time and makes hours-long phone calls out of the workshop to the labs because he’s bored, that Tony Stark?”

“It was some kind of zen retreat for genious billionaires his therapist sent him to, had some very strong opinions about it, the way I heard it,” Tony explained, giving a little mental pat on his shoulder about being able to tell Dr Hooper that he actually went because if the situation wasn’t going to get resolved in the next couple of hours, he’d have to issue an official statement about it. Oh, God, let them solve it soon!

“Do you think it might just wear off?” he couldn’t help but utter and even to his own ears it sounded like pleading. It must have been because of this strange high-pitched, clearly feminine, voice.

“Hm.” Bruce played with his pen. “How sure are you that it is not simply an illusion?”

Tony goggled. “I have breasts under this chest plate! There’s no room in it for breasts - I don’t even want to look at them, because they must be massive! And my arms won’t move properly because the pressure points are all wrong in the shoulders, namely no pressure on the points, because tiny woman shoulders, and don’t even let me get started about the groin area - I think there’s actually draft in there! It’s drafty in my pants, Banner!” Tony vaguely noticed that his hands were shaking (not enough to be noticeable in the armour, thankfully) and that the whole team looked like they were forcibly trying not to laugh. Tony took a deep breath. “No, you know what?” he said tiredly. “Go to hell, all of you.”

“Well, then.” Bruce scratched his chin with his pen. “I guess, if what you told us about the... drafts is true,” Bruce actually managed to say it with a straight face, which- yeah, only Natasha’s poker face was as good, “then we can probably safely assume that it’s not an illusion.”

“Your body’s female version?” Natasha inquired conversationally, an uptick in her lips.

Tony grimaced. “Subtle, Widow, very subtle.” He sighed. “No. I’m not blond. And this body’s young. I don’t even sleep with that young any more.” He cleared his throat. “Her hands are delicate, she probably does not do any kind of manual work and I’m not sure, but she might be totally unused to any physical work whatsoever, because seriously, I feel like I’ll keel over in a minute - this armour is so damn heavy.”

“Oh?” Steve quickly stepped closer and peered into his eyes. “Do you need any help? Maybe we should get you out of this armour?”

“Aah, no, it’s fine.” Tony’s body tried to unsuccessfully flinch back. The last thing he needed was for half of his masturbatory fantasies coming true in such a public way. At least he couldn’t get hard. Small mercies.

Or maybe not. His lips did something weird at the realisation that he was effectively rendered impotent. Or something. He did have other working parts though. At least he assumed they worked. Oh wait - what if she was an ace? He’d heard about some people being like that. Should he check? How could he check that? Would he cream into his boxers if Steve touched him?

At that thought there was a weird tingling in the pit of his belly. Was that arousal? What if he needed those special thingies in his boxers to stem the flow - Fuck! What if he would start a period? What if he was having a-

“Iron Man?” Steve was using his ‘reassuring voice’ he used with civilians if the situation was very bad, but he needed to keep them from panicking.

“Yes?” Tony’s voice squeaked.

“It’s going to be all right, Iron Man. We are going to help you.”

Tony swallowed. “I know.” His tone was still breathless. “I know. I… just thought of something.” His gaze sought out the only (other) woman in the room.

Natasha blinked slowly. For a split second she seemed unsure, then said very deliberately, “It’s going to be okay. We are all going to help you with whatever you need.”

0O0O0

In the end he got the suit off by himself just like always and via JARVIS he asked if Natasha could lend him some sweats or some such. Now he was standing in front of the mirror of his ‘Iron Man room’ (because he couldn’t really go to his own when escorted by Steve and Natasha, could he?) and deliberated if he should put on a bra that Widow had brought him.

“Problem, sir?”

“I don’t want to. JARVIS, I’m not a woman, I shouldn’t be made to wear a bra. They can’t make me.”

JARVIS’s ‘hm’ sounded rather unsympathetic to his ears and perhaps he was right - this rack was rather large and was swaying quite uncomfortably.

0O0O0

“Is this a body-swap then?” Steve asked.

They were now sitting in Reed’s lab and the scientist was using three different scanners on Tony.

Clint grinned. “If it is, we should probably start looking for a panicked girl that now has your body-”

Tony blanched and slowly sank back down onto the examination table. Clint’s voice was a distant echo in his ears. Why the hell hadn’t he thought about this earlier? He should talk to Pepper, but what would he even tell her? The absolute last thing I need was some paparazzi taking pictures of him bumbling around New York or-

“Wait! How do we know that she would even be in this dimension or in our timeline? In the past or a distant future? Doing who the fuck knows what with my body! Reed! What do the readings say?”

He was about to jump down from the exam table to see the data when unexpectedly he felt a heavy weight on his bony shoulder. He looked up to see Steve standing next to him and sat up straight dislodging the hand. “I’m all right,” he said. “It’s fine,” he added quickly. Probably not creaming. Not that fast anyway.

“It’s not a body-swap in a traditional sense,” Richards cut in and Tony was grateful for the interruption, although the self-absorbed idiot probably didn’t even realise that he was interrupting anything. “It seems that the gun you were beamed with might be binding teleported atomic matter to the fabric of reality in its destination.”

“Not just a highly efficient noninvasive surgical equipment for giving a sex change then?”

Tony sent Barton a withering glare.

“You know that Scandinavian chick Frida Aasen?” Barton went on, blatantly ignoring the glare. “You look a bit like her, you know, if not for the whole ‘I’m uncomfortable in my own skin’ and ‘I’m going to murder you’ vibes you are giving off.”

Reed cleared his throat and continued, “Going by the fact that you’ve maintained your own consciousness and the readings on the one specimen that your team caught for SHIELD, most probably there isn’t such a woman elsewhere who’s now animating your body, just as there weren’t real dinosaurs in some other dimension or timeline. There’s also not enough energy for time-travel. In fact, there is no data to confirm that anything other than our time-space continuum is at all involved.”

“I don’t understand. Then where did the dinosaurs come from?” Steve asked.

“And the underwear model?” the Amazing Squawkguy interjected.

“Probably organic matter from some other geographic location. The gun must have just enough energy source to teleport and transform matter like that,” Reed answered thoughtfully.

“I need to run some tests.” Tony jumped up to dash to his workshop when he noticed everybody but Richards stare at him. “On my endurance. To see what this body can do.”

“You going to the gym?” Steve brightened. “I’ll come with you. It’s a shame that Mr Stark is not here, he’d love to be involved. Plus, he’ll need to adjust your armour if you are going to be in this body for a while. You can’t exactly fight in it now, can you?”

0O0O0

Understatement of the time-space continuum. Even without the armour this body couldn’t fight for shit. Muscle memory was essential it turned out. That is how Tony ended up taking self-defence and close-combat lessons from Steve.

Downside: After years of combat experience he felt like an idiot having to learn everything again.  
Upside: having all Steve’s attention on him felt awesome and he was soaking it up like a parasitic alien sponge.  
Surprise: young women didn’t sweat half as much as forty-year-old men did.

In the evening he managed to sneak into his workshop under the guise of going to bed and run some tests and theoreticize on matter-transporting rays. The rest of the night he spent rebuilding his armour as a temporary measure. He wasn’t even half through before JARVIS informed him that Captain Rogers was on his way to fetch him to breakfast. Afterwards Bruce and Steve both escorted him to the Baxter building and there were more tests, including scanning with a new scanner that (as Steve put it) read magical energies in a new way.

“All right. I now have all the data I will need for the foreseeable future,” Richards said that evening. “You don’t have to come in tomorrow, I’ll call when I need anything or have more information to share. Oh and let me know when Stark comes back.”

Yeah, fine, whatever.

Thank God, it seemed that he wouldn’t even have to feel guilty over not helping Reed and Bruce with the science part of things since matter and biology were really not his field. They also agreed to get in touch with Dr Strange when he returned to their dimension. 

Still, being a lowly bodyguard sucked - he constantly kept forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to understand all the geek his science bros were spouting. There was nothing for it though, he nodded and let himself to be escorted back to the mansion. By Steve.

Because Steve seemed to be constantly forgetting that he wasn’t actually a woman. Steve opened doors for him. The first time they had a team meal together, Steve had pulled a chair out for him! Tony froze and everybody stared. Tony had always hated meal times, but now it was plain awkward. But he didn’t have SI or workshop time as an excuse to skip them either and since he wasn’t wearing his armour and could for once eat with the team, Steve made it his life goal to make sure that he attended each and every one of them.

0O0O0

This body must be barely legal, Tony thought. Not a girl exactly, but young enough that Tony felt like a dirty old man looking at himself in the mirror. Thank God it wasn’t a real person that was now stuck with his old and broken male body. He couldn’t even imagine what that would feel like. And now he didn’t have to feel guilty for wanting to touch himself, right?

Despite being so bone-deep tired that he didn’t think he could lift a finger (thanks to Steve and his training regimen), his body still felt charged and achy in the lower stomach and between his legs. So far he’d been ignoring it, but fuck it - a girl has needs, right? Tony lay down on his bed, put his palm on his crotch and stilled in surprise: somehow it felt totally alien and familiar at the same time. He tried to move his hand gently over the mound and holy shit! Tony moaned. Next he tried applying pressure and it was so good that he felt absolutely sure it should feel even better if he - he put his hand into his panties and rubbed over his crotch in linear motion and then circular. Oh God this felt - he sat up and hastily got rid of his pants and panties. It didn’t take him long to orgasm, but it took awhile for him to actually finish experimenting, because fuck - this multiple orgasm shtick was an eye-opener.

0O0O0

The shopping centre had a gaping hole in its facade, but thankfully it had been closing hours and everybody got evacuated before the explosion. Protecting the panicking crowd was another matter though. Doombots were everywhere!

“Where the hell are they all coming from?”

“Widow, Falcon, get these people out of here. Hawkeye, Iron Man, perimeter.”

Tony swooped down and unloaded the ten rounds in his left forearm onto the Doombots coming in from the east and rounded back to the main melee.

“Fuck!”

“Cap, you need help?”

“Negative. Help Falcon, he’s being swamped.”

Tony swung by to help Falcon with three extremely large and efficient killing machines -

“A new model, huh? Victor has been having fun.”

“I’d rather he took up macrame.”

Tony grinned and flew back to make sure there were no new incoming waves. The sync he’d always had with Steve was still there even in his new, lighter armour. He knew instinctively what Steve wanted and delivered faster and better than ever before.

“Iron Man-”

“Want to jump the block?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

After depositing Steve on to another building for him to jump down, he destroyed some more robots, but even after five hours of heavy fighting they were still coming. 

“Anyone else thinks it doesn’t make sense?”Tony asked. “I get that Doom dislikes Macrame, I mean, it is kinda boring compared to building bots, but does he have like a whole Latveria on the assembly lines?”

“And working double speed of what it takes for us to destroy them.” Clint opined.

“Looks like it.” Steve threw his shield at the next wave of giant Doombots.

“Plus, it’d be madness to bankroll it.” Tony jumped down on the last of the giants. “I mean, I could and maybe some sheiks, but not Victor.”

“Doesn’t he have like- “ Sam grunted. “- a whole country of mindless slaves?”

“Yes, but they are an agricultural nation, I don’t think it’s viable, not-even short-term. He’d be bankrupt after this one battle, what’s the point?”

“Know Von Doom well, do you?”

Natasha was sneaky, but not enough to make Tony admit that he went to school with the Latverian. “I read a research Mr Stark conducted on him some years ago.”

 

“I have a bad feeling about it,” Hawkeye said.

“Seconded,” was echoed over the coms by Steve and Natasha both.

“Heavy fire, heavy fire! Requesting back-up!” Hawkeye yelled and to everybody’s relief his answer came in the form of lightning, thunder and Thor’s booming voice.

“My apologies, my brothers and sisters in arms! I am late, but not unwilling to spread the carnage amids the enemy!”

From that moment on, it went a bit easier even though the robots still kept coming. At least by that point, it was extremely predictable.

“JARVIS has found a pattern in their movements. Wait a moment, I’m gonna just-” Tony aimed at the strategically placed seven bots and suddenly it was idiotically easy to pic out the rest.

“Whoa - I want a JARVIS too!”

“Thank you, agent Barton,” JARVIS replied over the comms sounding smug, nevermind that Tony had been the one to realise the significance of the pattern in the first place.

After that Steve and Natasha finally managed to infiltrate the building the Doombots were coming from and in an hour it was all over.

0O0O0

“How lucky that Mr Stark managed to return from his super-secret ‘off the grid’ retreat to build you the armour at such a short notice,” Natasha remarked as he were lounging on the uncomfortable-looking chair as if sitting on a sofa.

“Yeah, real lucky that.” Tony grinned behind his faceplate.

Steve had, of course, insisted upon immediate debrief, just like always. Falcon was exempt since he had to go to the medical and Bruce had only been on back-up anyway.

“I didn’t even know he was working on it until last night,“ Tony elaborated, because he didn’t really have a silent mode on his person. “Apparently, he’d pulled my new measurements via Jarvis that first day and worked on the specs remotely. He returned the day before yesterday for a not automated assembly bits that JARVIS couldn’t manage by himself.”

“It’s still a male version though,” Barton remarked.

“Yes, it’d’ve been a real hoot to let the news choppers film a female Iron Man. Maybe they’d invite me on Ellen to come out.”

“Did you manage to isolate the draft?” Steve offered his too obviously innocent smile.

“You’re a troll, Steve.”

0O0O0

Steve leaned into his space and Tony’s eyes widened.

“That’s not a good idea,” he said quietly turning his head away. Tony wasn’t sure what he wanted to do more: push Steve away or lean into him.

“No?” Steve inhaled at his temple and Tony felt his knees go weak.

“You do remember that I’m actually a man, right?” His voice was husky, but in the empty hallway it seemed to almost echo.

Steve visibly swallowed. “In this case I thought I might not care,” he said, put his palm on Tony’s cheek and kissed him.

0O0O0

It kept happening after that and at first Tony really did try to put a stop to it, but this whole wrong body experience was already feeling like a dream, so what if he took a little vacation from reality? Steve’s lips on Tony’s mouth felt fantastic and his pecs against his sensitive breasts-

“Wanna come to my room?” Tony asked because - fuck it!

“You sure?”

“Yeah?” Tony asked, but still grabbed Steve’s hand and started dragging him down the corridor. 

“Wait, isn’t this your room?”

“What? Oh, yes.”

Luckily Steve noticed to stop, otherwise they’d end up in Tony Stark’s room and wasn’t that a sobering thought?

“You okay?” Steve asked.

They were inside now and Steve was peering into his eyes and Tony just couldn’t look at him. Clinically, he surveyed his Iron Man room: tidy, untouched, empty. And maybe Steve wouldn’t even think anything of it - everybody knew that Iron Man had a real home somewhere else, but to Tony this here was the damning evidence of his duplicity, a clear sign that what he was doing was wrong. Except-

“It’s just sex, okay?”

Steve blinked.”What?”

“Just sex, fuckbuddy sex, nothing more, right?” Tony looked at him then, challenging, determined to have this. Something. But on his terms. So that he could have a clean slate later, back to his own body, back to the real life and a couple of good memories richer. Just friends.

Steve stilled. “I’m not sure I can do that.”

Disappointment, bitter and sharp gripped Tony. “Yeah?” He stepped back. “Fine. Suit yourself.”

From the corner of his eye Tony saw Steve’s mouth open.

“Just go, alright?” Tony stopped him. He turned away and a moment later found himself at the minibar. That was one hell of a habit to break right there.

“Iron Man… Look, it’s really weird calling you Iron Man for something like this. Just… Please, will you at least tell me your name?”

And suddenly there was no air to breathe, but at least he didn’t want that drink all that bad any more.

“No, fuck, no. Stop. You wouldn’t like me if you knew me, Steve. So just get out, okay?”

“And how would you…” Tony heard Steve inhale loudly. “Unless we already know each other? And you think I don’t like you?”

Tony swallowed. “I… Don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.” Steve paused. “For now. But we’ll talk later, okay?”

Tony didn’t answer and after a minute Steve let himself out.

Well, fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wait. Many thanks to my beta Kerttu. :)

Chapter 2

 

“I don’t know if it is at all relevant, but Iron Man does not hit like a girl.”

“Well, I should hope not,” Tony agreed, affronted.

Richards had invited them back for more tests and despite Tony being in avoidance mode, Steve was being his obnoxious self and tagged along to the Baxter building anyway. It wasn’t as bad though, since the spy duo and Bruce were also in attendance, so bringing up anything personal was out of the question. As per usual Reed was present in his body only: he seemed to be totally consumed by the new set of data.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Steve explained, smiling slightly. “I meant if we could call Natasha a girl-”

“And we probably have to- Jesus, Nat!” Barton stepped clear of his partner. “What? You cannot possibly be upset about that - you are clearly not a boy, are you?”

“If we are going to insist on using such a simplistic language, then neither are you, Barton.”

“That’s right, I’m not a boy any more-”

“Enough you two,” Steve cut the banter off with laughter in his voice. “What I meant is that even though Black Widow is clearly better trained and is more fit physically, Iron Man still packs a significantly better punch.”

For a moment Tony gaped. “Oh, thank god!”

“What? Why?” Steve frowned.

Tony stared at him, then noticed everyone staring. “The mass difference!” he exclaimed.

More staring. “The conservation of mass-” Tony huffed. “Never mind that! I was heavier before, so where did the excess mass go, right? Now that we know that I’m stronger than my body could possibly be then logically it follows that the excess mass is not lost or scattered in Sahara somewhere, but transformed into energy. I’m appalled that I didn’t notice my own strength before.”

“Well, it’s not like you actually know how strong a young woman would be,” Bruce offered.

“Well…” Tony started because he thought that he actually had plenty of first- or perhaps second-hand knowledge of how strong pair of pretty female thighs usually were.

Natasha didn’t let him finish. “Okay, so the mass didn’t go anywhere, why are you looking so relieved and what does an African desert have to do with it?”

Tony shrugged. “Not Sahara specifically, I just thought the extra mass for dinosaurs was taken from some random geographical location, so it would make sense that what excess I had, would’ve gone back there. I was slightly worried about getting it all back.” He was just about to launch into scientific details when he noticed Steve watching him with a slight curl to his lip and suddenly Tony’s throat was dry and his head empty.

“You thought you’d have a shorter dick, didn’t you?” Barton interjected.

“Hey!” Tony whirled at the idiot.

Richards smirked drily. “You should just be grateful that you didn’t end up a giant prehistoric primate.”

“A female primate,” Bruce added.

“Bruce, you traitor!” Tony tried to sound scandalised. “Seriously though - why this body? Smaller, female, blond, young? As far from me as a primate would be, just on the other end of the scale.”

“Might have something to do with mental projections,” Reed offered.

“You mean Iron Man actually wanted to be a sexy underwear model?”

Tony ignored the Brainhazing Gawkguy. “So that the beam transformed the existing matter into whatever the gun wielder was thinking of?” He thought a bit. “Possible.”

“Not that I don’t understand why anyone would want to create a tiny sexy girl,” Gawkguy continued, “but why would they want to make one out of Iron Man?”

“Because he’s not sexy enough?” Natasha offered.

Tony sighed. “I’m plenty sexy, in fact- oh go to hell, you meanies. Can we just agree that he was a horny little creeper with a big gun? No, not a big gun, I mean horny little creep with a tiny gun and the gun I’d like to examine. No, that doesn’t sound right either- Oh, go to hell, you fuckers!”

0O0O0

In battle he had to take care not to engage with heavy hitters up close, but his maneuverability was better than in his regular suit and overall his performance did not suffer. With Wrecking Crew though, it was bad. Relatively speaking, they were supposed to be an easy enemy to defeat, but they were all heavy hitters and here they were, battling since dawn.

“Should we get Hulk?” Tony asked.

There was a short pause before Steve answered. “No, not yet.”

And so it continued, Falcon and Thor called in from the reserve and the Wrecking Crew still rampaging.

“Steve, didn’t you put Thunderball down already?” Hawkeye asked.

“Yes, why?”

“Because he’s coming out of that building again.”

“Where?”

“I see him,” Tony answered. “He should be lying under that pile of concrete right there, shouldn’t he?” He had no time to check, but from his vantage point the pile hadn’t been disturbed, so Thunderball should, by all rights, be still under it. “Fuck! I have a bad feeling about this, just let me check-”

“Negative,” Steve disagreed. “Help Widow. I’ll check it.”

“Cap, we need Banner,” Hawkeye said fifteen minutes later.

“Agreed. Bruce, confirm.”

“Confirmed. I’ll be just a minute.”

Only after Bruce had effectively engaged Bulldozer had Steve a chance to check the pile. “There are two of them! Two Thunderballs.”

“Son of a- how the hell are they multiplying?” Tony exclaimed. “Actually, now that I think about it, I’m sure that has to be a second Piledriver too, because I distinctly remember getting his left leg and him limping away.”

“He seems to be fine now,” Natasha assessed after kicking him in the said leg.”

“What the hell is going on?” Tony managed to give fell a shop wall onto his opponent and flew inside. “Cap, permission to investigate the building the second Thunderball came from.”

“Granted. Not that you aren’t gone already.”

“You bet I am.”

Tony looked around the empty bar. It certainly didn’t look like a secret base or anything, but the backdoor seemed to be demolished as if a wrecker had passed it at great speed, so that’s where Tony flew. Just as he was entering he saw a smallish figure trying to weasel out through the back door.

“You son of a bitch! Hold it right there!”

“Iron Man, what is it?” Steve’s voice came over the comms.

“It’s that perv with the beam gun!” Tony yelled as he dashed forward and grabbed the guy by the scruff of his neck.

The man squeaked and Tony saw a bright flash of light shine into his face almost blinding him. Then came the pain.

Next he heard a distant noise through a thick fog and then voices.

“Iron Man, report!” was suddenly echoed through the comm unit and also from Steve himself who was leaning over him and shaking him by the shoulders.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, stop it!” Tony sat up and shook his head. It was damn uncomfortable. “Oh, thank fuck!”

“What is it?” Steve asked. The rest of the team was here now too, and everybody were looking at him with veiled concern.

“I think I’m back. Fuck, it’s tight in here.” He stood up.

“Yes, I thought you might be.” Steve swallowed. “Is it..?”

“Can you even move in it?” Hawkeye interjected. “Little pinchy in the balls, huh?”

“Well it certainly ain’t drafty any more,” Tony agreed. “I assume some of the Wrecking Crew are not really members?”

“Yeah, two of them reverted to regular-sized guys.”

Tony nodded. “Okay, I’ll better get going then. Need to get out of this tin can.”

Without looking anyone in the eye, he left.

0O0O0

“If JARVIS is willing to whip up a photo-robot for me, I’ll see what I can do to find him,” Natasha said.

“He could also whip up an ugly mug shot of the real Iron Man too, while he’s at it,” Barton interjected. “For scientific purposes - we need to see how the transformation beam gun works. You know, for before and after analysis,” he explained with a shiteating grin.

“Good try, Birdbrain.” Tony turned to Natasha. “Photo-robot won’t be a problem. It might not be one hundred percent accurate, though.”

“JARVIS’s best will be enough.” Steve smiled and Natasha nodded.

Steve had been doing it since the kiss - smiling at him, being friendly, calling him Shellhead. Steve seemed… content with the situation. In fact, everyone was acting as if his foray into the womanhood had never happened. Which was good, Tony told himself, definitely good. He’d arrived for the post-battle briefing in his old armour and everything seemed to be back to normal. Tony wasn’t disappointed.

“Do we know how he’s connected to the Wrecking Crew?” Bruce asked.

“Probably just a gun for hire,” Steve answered.

“Quite literally.” Tony grinned. “If the gun can transform non-organic matter too, that would explain how von Doom had so many robots for us to destroy.”

“Their supply did dry up right after I got into the building the bots seemed to be coming from, but I didn’t see anyone that would fit the description or any such gun.”

“He probably managed to flee just in time,” Natasha offered.

Steve nodded. “It did take me some time to get inside.”

Yes, everything was back to normal, back to business as usual. Except Steve wasn’t making eye contact.

0O0O0

Tony was sitting on his bed, thinking. Yes, he was back, scars, body hair and all. And he was happy about it, he definitely was. Except that Steve had initially insinuated that their conversation after the last kiss was far from finished and now... It had been idiotic to get his hopes up. Captain America was the epitome of all traditional American values, not in a million years would he be entertaining the idea of a relationship with a man, let alone such a playboy as Tony Stark. Though he didn’t know about that last thing. Probably.

All right, let’s face the facts, Tony had been a female hot piece of meat that looked just short of twenty. For all intents and purposes Steve was a twenty-four year old red-blooded male, so the attraction was understandable. But still - what the hell had Steve been thinking when trying to kiss his team mate he knew was actually male and had a secret identity to boot? And what the hell had Tony been thinking when kissing Steve back? Inviting him to his room? He had twenty years of life experience on Steve, for God’s sake! 

Fact number two was that Steve had only made a move him when he’d become a woman. On the other hand though - it was also the first time Steve had (as far as he knew) seen Iron Man without the armour. Seen him as someone physically approachable. But also as a woman, there was no getting around that fact.

That seemed to be the crux of the thing - Steve had alluded to not caring if he was a man or a woman, but could Tony actually believe that? He didn’t doubt Steve’s sincerity, but would it hold up to the realities of having a boyfriend? Would he be willing to go public? If not, could Tony be content with a secret relationship long-term? If it came to that, could he settle for a short-term? But Captain America was not one for short flings, was he? That’s what he meant when declining a no strings attached sexual relationship, wasn’t it?

Tony ran his fingers over his messy hair.

This! This feeling was exactly the thing Tony had been trying to avoid when he pushed Steve away that first time - this wretched feeling of hope and hopelessness, dread and anticipation. Tony wanted so desperately to believe that he could actually have something with Steve, that if he took off his helmet that Steve would just smile and kiss him and all would be fine.

But he knew it wouldn’t be. It couldn’t. Steve had always been polite and friendly to ‘Mr Stark’, but also distant and somehow… careful around him.

Tony wanted to punch something in frustration. He also wanted to bury his head under the pillow and sing la-la-la-la-la, but he wasn’t going to indulge in that either.

0O0O0

He found Steve sitting in the library with his leather-bound sketchbook in his lap.

“Mr Stark.” Polite nod.

“Good evening, Cap.”

And then Tony just stood there, hands in his pockets, swaying from heels to toes and back.

“Anything I can help you with, Mr Stark?” Steve’s brows were furrowed and he started to look concerned. “Is everything all right?”

“Oh, yes! No problems whatsoever. Everything’s fine. Peachy. Opty-dopty, ippity-tippity fine.“ Oh shut the hell up!

“O-kay…”

Tony grimaced and sank heavily into another armchair. “I think we need to talk.” Right. Because the high school awkward relationship conversations without a prior relationship was apparently the way to go.

“Is this about the Avenger Initiative?” Steve ventured hesitantly.

“No. Not as such.”

Tony fidgeted. Then looked up.

Steve was staring at him, his face still and shocked. “Is this… about Iron Man?”

And Tony did what he always did when people acted like he was the worst thing that could ever happen to them: he pretended to enjoy inflicting himself on them. Tony leaned into the back of the armchair, rested his calf on the other leg’s knee and smirked.

“Yes.” There was a pause and Tony cocked his head. _Lie! Make something up. Don’t tell him. No. Tell him. He already knows anyway. Tell him and then laugh at him._ But somehow the words refused to come.

“Did he… Did he ask you to tell me his real identity?” Steve asked with dread and hope warring on his face.

“Kind of, yes,” Tony said, his voice flat.

“You…” Steve didn’t seem to be able to say it either. “You are…?” His face was ashen and visibly tried to steel himself.

“Yes,” Tony confirmed, his lips curling in an approximation of a smile. “I am.”

Steve looked away. Okay. There's that hope gone then. Steve was blushing, seemingly embarrassed and… was that shame? (Why shame? What did Captain America have to be ashamed of? That he had led Tony Stark on? That he’d thought he was attracted to him in the first place? That he’d kissed a man? What?)

The silence was stifling. Tony had planned on asking if it changed anything, if there was even a chance... but the answers to both of those questions were obvious.

Tony grinned and clapped his hands together. “Well, now you know.” He stood.

“Wait, no.” Steve’s voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect that. I...” He shook his head. “Sit a moment, will you? I think I might need an explanation.”

Of course. Perhaps he did owe Steve an explanation. Tony tried to smile apologetically, but he managed something closer to a grimace.

“Why the secrecy?” Steve asked.

Oh, that. Of course he wanted to know that first. Team came the first didn’t it?

“I have too many enemies as myself, didn’t think I needed to add to the tally. Less chance of them ganging up on me.” Tony shrugged and hoped it didn’t look as awkward as it felt.. “Look, I know I’m no hero, but I can do the work, Cap. Despite the heart problems - they are obviously exaggerated to keep my secret identity and-”

“Whoa, Mr Stark, stop! Nobody is questioning your abilities as Iron Man and no one is kicking you off the team, if that’s what you are worried about. Obviously. And while I disagree with you keeping your identity from the team a secret, I will respect your privacy, Mr Stark. Although, I would recommend you to reconsider. The world doesn’t need to know, but the team? It might be beneficial.”

Tony looked down at the carpet. He should order a new one. Something brightly-coloured. He sighed.

“I have asked you to call me Tony. Repeatedly. You never do,” he said quietly.

Steve cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that it bothered you, Tony. It felt disrespectful, but… Yeah. I’m sorry about that. And you are a hero, Shellhead. And my friend. It will be my honour to get to know you as Tony Stark as well.”

Tony’s throat clicked and his eyes burned.

“Thank you. I consider you my friend too, Winghead.”

Steve smiled crookedly and Tony smiled back. _And holy shit - what if...? No. Don’t think it. Don’t be greedy. Don’t ask-_

“What about our unfinished business then? Does knowing who I am change things?” he asked his mouth running without his permission, but even before voicing the second question it was obvious that it did.

Steve looked away and appeared hesitant. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He shook his head deprecatingly. “I have to think about it, I’m sorry.”

And Tony understood. Of course, he did. It had been stupid to get his hopes up. He nodded and stood up. “Okay then, glad we had that talk.” For a moment he flashed his media smile and walked out.

0O0O0

Fuck. He shouldn’t have asked, Tony told himself later sitting on his lounge sofa. Of course he shouldn’t have. Hell, he shouldn’t have told him he was Iron Man in the first place! What was he thinking? It had been such a stupid idea. Tony closed his eyes as he recalled Steve’s unsure, miserable face.

Steve wasn’t the first one to reject his advances; Tony would get over that. (And he was not going to fool himself into thinking that the ‘have to think about it’ was anything but Steve’s version of letting him down gently.) Tony knew not to take it personally. Captain America probably just wasn’t into men, or preferred twinks or… whatever. Whatever there seemed to have been between them… Steve had just been confused because of the epic bromance with Iron Man and then he was a she and… Delicate blonde women were probably his type, Tony mused. Snorted. Yeah, he liked that type too. Tony laughed bitterly.

But they were going to get through this. It would be awkward at first, sure, but they’ll come out stronger for it. Maybe Steve would even tolerate Tony as himself from time to time? In small doses? Because they’d known each other for over a year now and he already got Steve to call him by the first name already. Yey!

Christ.

0O0O0

Another day, another fight, Tony told himself as he blasted his way through another wave of Doombots.  
“It’s the red brick around the corner, Cap,” Clint said from his high vantage point.

“On it,” Tony says.

“Negative, Iron Man,” Steve objects. “Let the Black Widow take it. You don’t need another altercation with the Creepy Gun Guy.”

“Is that what we are calling him now?” Tony mused as he flew to find the building where all the bots seemed to be coming from. 

“It’s what you, call him, T- and Clint. Let the Widow go.”

“No. She’s a more close combat fighter, I’ll go.”

“Excuse me?” Natasha objects. “You think I can’t take one creepy guy with a gun?”

“But it’s a magic gun, Nat,” Clint says. “You remember Iron Man’s ‘bumps in all the wrong places’ gig, right? If you really want to be blond, dye your hair.”

Tony stopped listening to the bickering as he found the house with the revolving door and the steady stream of Doombots coming out. What the hell was he powering the gun with?

“Iron Man, wait.”

“Widow?” he inquired as he stopped just outside and started blasting the bots. Just like the last time Victor himself as curiously absent.

“He’s going to hear you coming,” Natasha explained. “Let me get him from behind while he prepares for your attack.”

Good plan. “You want me to make a noisy production out here? No problem.”

“Okay, Iron Man, I’m in position. Go.”

Tony put himself on the speaker and boomed, “Victor, Vicky, my pal, do you wanna build a robot? I can even show you how!” Shame that he used such a good quip when the Latverian ruler wasn’t even in attendance, but what the hell, he could always make up more next time. “Show yourself, Doom, you coward!”

“Thanks, Iron Man, I’ve got him.”

Tony didn’t stay for the debrief nor the clean up. He just told Steve - Cap, no, _Steve_! - that he was leaving and took off.

0O0O0

“No, Mr Stark, you may not examine the device,” Fury said. “I am aware that your employee has been directly affected-”

“Damn right he was and I need to see the readings from the gun to make sure-”

“You are going to get all the readings once our scientists-”

“Your scientists are all incompetent lab coat hangers. At least let Richards have a crack at it.”

“That is something we can agree on, Mr Stark. Dr Richards is on our retainer as a consultant and all our findings-”

“Not acceptable. You will send the device to Richards’s labs.”

“So you can play with it? Mr Stark, I have absolutely no illusions about Dr Richards ability to keep you out of his labs.”

“Oh please! As if I would go there. The stretchy bastard and I don’t even get along. I’d rather work with Dr Doom, at least he’s imaginative. Why is Richards even on your pet list?”

“While you are not, you mean?” Fury raised his only eyebrow. “Might have something to do with his ability to recognize boundaries. Such as firewalls for example.”

Tony grinned. “How can you be sure he’s never hacked into your servers? Maybe he’s just never got caught.”

There was a pause. “Did you just admit to Dr Richards being better at hacking than you?” Fury inquired.

“Okay, I admit, I might have walked right into that one, but no. And you know what? You’ve never caught me redhanded either. After-the-fact suspicion doesn’t count.” He inhaled. “Alright, fine. Why don’t we agree on you sending the toy to your pal Richards there, along with one of your alchemists to supervise?”

They didn’t even pretend that Tony wasn’t going to show up for the play date.

0O0O0

It must be pity. It must be. Poor little rich boy got his weak little heart broken, oh please don’t cry, Mr Stark! Because why else is Steve so steadfastly refusing to address Tony’s failure to partake in post-battle clean-ups and debriefs?

This time Tony didn’t even bother to offer an excuse, taking off just after Thor and Steve finally managed to take the big-bad out while blatantly ignoring Barton’s huff and other team members’ stony silence.

Tony gritted his teeth and activated the do not disturb mode in his workshop.

…

“Sir, Captain Rogers is requesting-”

“Mute.”

Tony glared at the bottom drawer in his tool chest.  
…

“Sir, Ms Potts is on the line.”

“Tell her I’ve already posted the paperwork and I will skip all tomorrow’s meetings except the Norwegian representatives in the evening.”

“I may try, Sir. Although Ms Potts is rather adamant on speaking to you in per-”

“Mute.”

…

“Sir, may I remind you that Colonel Rhodes will be arriving around seven tonight?”

“It’s tonight? What time is it?”

“It’s half past five, Sir.”

“We have plenty of time then.”

“Just making sure you are not planning to start up a new project, Sir.”

Tony sighed. “Fine. Remind me again in an hour.”

“Very well, Sir. Also, Captain Rogers-”

“Mute.”

…

“Sir, it’s half past six.”

“Oh, yes. Thank you, Jarvis.” He glanced at the drawer again.

“Also, there seems to be a situation with Captain Rogers-”

“Is he hurt?”

“He doesn’t appear to be, Sir.”

“Then I don’t care.” He headed to the door.

“Sir, I must caution-”

“Mute.”

Tony gave a last look at his tool chest, gritted his teeth and put his palm on the panel next to the door. The door opened, Tony stepped outside and Steve Rogers stood up from the floor where he had been sitting, leaning on the wall.

“Got you Chinese,” he said, picking up two take-away bags.

“Thanks a lot, JARVIS,” Tony said, looking at Steve’s serious face. Tony was really not looking forwards to this.

“I did try, Sir.”

“You could have tried harder.”

“And why would I do that, Sir?” the traitor inquired politely.

Steve grinned. “Thank you, JARVIS.”

“You are most welcome, Captain Rogers.”

“Fine,” Tony cut off the pleasantries and resigned to his fate said, “But make it quick, Cap. I honestly haven’t got the time. Just ask JARVIS.” He pushed the elevator button.

Steve shook his head. “Okay, but when- no, you know what? If I let you go now, you’ll just disappear on me again. It’ll have to be now.” Steve Rogers’s jaw was set and he was staring at Tony with the most bullheaded, stubborn look on his face.

Tony glared back.

“Elevator, JARVIS.”

“Right away, Sir.”

There was a pause.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Sir?”

“You are stalling, aren’t you?”

“Not in the least, Sir. The elevator was simply seventy floors away. Sixty-eight now.”

“You sent it there just before I stepped out of the workshop, didn’t you?”

“Well, Sir. While I’m not admitting or denying anything, I must implore you to speak to Captain Rogers. I do believe most firmly that it would be beneficial to your well-being, which is, as you know, my primary directive, Sir.”

Tony sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger and closed his eyes.

“If you allow me to your kitchen, I can reheat the dinner,” Steve said and did he actually sound amused?

“How courteous of you.” He shook his head. “Rhodey and I are going out.”

“I‘ve already let Colonel Rhodes know that you will be late,” JARVIS interjected.

Tony sighed inwardly. “Tell him, it’s Steve’s fault.”

“I informed him that it’s about the Avenger business, Sir.”

“Fine.”

Tony had no idea how getting reamed out about his conduct by a team leader would be beneficial for him, but he would have time to code some annoying hiccups into his AI later.

It was no doubt a tactical decision on Cap’s part to offer to use Tony’s kitchen instead of the one on the common floor - it was significantly easier to ditch the common floor than to try and get a supersoldier out of your own, but Tony did have to shower while the food was reheated and with JARVIS against him…

“I will get back at you, you traitor,” he muttered as he passed one of the mics.

When he, freshly showered, reentered the kitchen, Steve was in the process of distributing food onto the plates.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Tony asked in the most indifferent tone he could muster.

“I thought that would be obvious-”

“Fine. Yes, I walked out of the clean-up, and yes, the briefing this last time. Fine, two times. So sorry, but you know, not sorry, because I’m a busy man, Captain. Bots need building, company needs running, money needs making, you know how it is.”

“I know you are busy, Tony. Now that I know that you’re actually living two different lives and have three jobs, I’m not surprised you missing half the briefings. If you’d consider telling the team why you need to be absent more than any other Avenger though, I’d appreciate it, Tony. It might cut down on some of the tension. Although,” Steve looked at the table for a moment. “that’s not what I actually wanted to talk about.”

“Oh, no. That’s okay,” Tony interjected. “We don’t have to talk about it, I understand.” He flashed a smile. “It’s no skin off my back. Happens to the best of us, the heat of the moment and all, right? Over and done with. Water under the bridge. We’re good, Cap.” Oh shut up already!

“Are we?” Steve was still frowning and for a moment Tony thought that he would drop it, but no such luck. “Tony, I don’t really want to swipe it under a rug without discussing it first.”

Here we go. The hollow pit in his stomach turned leaden and Tony put his chopsticks down. Steeling himself, he looked up at Steve.

“I’ve had this discussion a couple of times now, Steve. Do we really have to?” Steve had smoothed his frown over into a hard-set features, his jaw was tight, his shoulders rigid. What the hell was he so angry about? Tony decided he didn’t want to know. “Look, I know it’s not personal, I know you aren’t really into men, so you don’t have to explain,” Tony said, trying to spare Steve the awkwardness of explaining how he really wasn’t homophobic and so on, but Steve didn’t seem to be calming down in the least. If anything, he was turning more tense by the minute.

“You seem to be under the impression that I’m here to let you down gently.”

Tony blinked. “You aren’t?”

“No, Tony. I’m really not.”

Oh.

“So Captain America isn’t actually as straight as an arrow?”

Steve shrugged. “Mostly? I don’t know. I know I’m not straight where you are concerned.”

“Oh,” Tony uttered. “I…” He swallowed and part for him expected to start grinning stupidly, but something was holding him back. “That’s a terrible idea - you and I.”

Steve swallowed. “Maybe. But I want to give it a try anyway. How about you?”

Tony nodded. “Yes. No. I mean, I’m me and you are… I don’t even know how that would work. Have you thought this through? We need to think this through, Steve.” Tony had no idea why he was arguing about this, he wanted this, he did. In the end he blurted, “You haven’t probably even Googled me, have you?”

Steve sighed exasperatedly. “Why would I Google you? I know all I need to know, Tony. I know you gave me a home when I had nothing and you didn’t know me back then either. Not beyond what you knew of Captain America, which was a lot less then than what I know about Iron Man now. And I know that beside funding the whole Avenger Initiative, you also build prosthetics to the vets and children, distribute them at a reduced price. I know you risk your life every time it is needed, sometimes when it’s not strictly speaking needed (which drives me up the wall, but we can discuss it next time you are being a self-sacrificing idiot). But my point is that you are a hero, Tony Stark. And I don’t need Google to know that.”

“That’s…” Tony cleared his throat. “When you put it like that it sounds… But it feels wrong what you are saying, I don’t know how exactly, but you are wrong.” With a sudden clarity Tony realised that what he was actually feeling was acute shame of having deceived Steve. “Look, it’s not… Not like that,” he finished helplessly.

Tony startled at the touch and raised his eyes to see Steve holding his hand over the table.

“Tony.”

“Yes?”

“I’m a little shit, Tony. I conspire with your AI against you and I cheat at cards. I loved the idea of you as a woman at first because you were a beautiful woman and as I thought more accessible, then because you were actually a man and clearly confused and it gave a secret thrill to be seemingly more in control of the situation than you were. For once in my life I felt more experienced than my partner and that you turned out to be the playboy Tony Stark really threw me for the loop. Quite frankly, it scared me.”

Tony stared.

“What I am getting at,” Steve continued, “is that I am not perfect either.”

“Okay.” Tony nodded. “So neither of us is perfect. We are both scared-”

“That’s not what I said-”

“And you are a little shit with control issues, Steve Rogers.”

“Not the point, Stark.”

Tony grinned. “Fine. I take your point, however poorly constructed it might be, and raise you a question - what now?”

“Now, Tony, I suggest we kiss.”

 

THE END ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. :)


End file.
